The Defining Decade - Meg Jay

The Defining Decade talks about how the 20s are the most important period of our lives - the period where the crux of life happens, from college to graduation to starting your career to marriage and children. It is easy to think that we still have lots of time when we're in our 20s. We think that it's supposed to be a time for exploration and adventure, enjoying life to the fullest. However, Jay put things into perspective in this book.

Content: The Defining Decade consists of short stories from various clients of hers, each with a persuasive, logical message backed by experience from her profession as a clinical psychologist, research and other scientific studies. 

Estimated reading time needed: 3h

Key takeaways: 

1) About 80% of life's most significant events take place by age 35. Although I disagree with slapping a generic timeline onto every individual, it is still pertinent for us to consider the kind of life we want to lead, and consider the time we have left.

2) "No one told me it would be this hard". Growing up is extremely tough - financially, mentally, physically, emotionally. But you're not alone on this journey.

3) We all carry certain amounts of identity capital, the currency that defines us, how we build ourselves, what we bring to the adult marketplace. How are you building your identity capital?

4) "Saying yes means you will do something new, meet someone new, and make a difference" - Eric Schmidt, Executive Chairman of Google. 

5) When we make choices, we open ourselves up to hard work and failure and heartbreak, so sometimes it feels easier not to know, not to choose, and not to do.  But it isn't. This reminds me of several quotes I resonate with - We must go through difficult times to become stronger people. Rainy days make for the best stories. Be intimate with fear, for it means you are growing. 

6) Tyranny of the should - shoulds set up a false dichotomy between either meeting an ideal or being a failure, between perfection or settling. Let us not define ourselves by shoulds, but by goals. Be driven internally than externally.

7) You are deciding your life right now. The choices you make will likely either have a great impact or snowball into something impactful down the road.

Recommendation: As a 20s-person, this book is a godsend. The transition into an adult is perhaps the most complex period I've ever encountered, and I believe most can resonate with me. There are so many things to be wary of, focus on, making decisions, while regulating our stress levels.. the list goes on. This book perhaps summarises the bulk of the information young adults need to know in their transition into an adult. To face the 'real world'. A short book full of important messages, I highly recommend it!

The Last Lecture - Randy Pausch

A book that was born out an interesting concept, "The Last Lecture" is a lecture where professors reflect on their deaths and think about what matters most to them. As Pausch wrote, "what wisdom would we impart fo the world if we knew it was our last chance?". 

Content: The book consists of 61 chapters where Pausch shares different important moments in his life that he is grateful for. Some key experiences include his time as a Disney Imagineer, teaching as a professor, and his role in his family. It was easy to follow throughout, the people and experiences that were important to him were consistently mentioned, but it was difficult to grasp the key learning point sometimes. 

Estimated reading time needed: 3h

Key takeaways: 

1) Self-esteem is not given, it's built. We need to give children things that they can't do, so that when they are actually able to do it, it builds on their self-esteem. We must be wary of 'protecting' children from such exploration and growth.

2) Sports is not just about having fun. It's also about teamwork, perseverance, sportsmanship and more. This concept may be elusive to some parents who think students should simply study hard (especially in Asia), and sports is just a type of game where children waste their time having fun.

3) It's not crucial for everyone to observe how hard you work. This reminds me of how people say we should work hard in silence and succeed in silence. The more we say it out, there will be people who try to bring us down, whether purposely or not. 

4) We will always hit a brick wall in life. Pausch writes that "brick walls are there to stop the people who don't want it badly enough". I think that sometimes those brick walls are truly unscalable, so we have to continuously improve ourselves before we try to climb over the wall again.

5) Not everything needs to be fixed.

6) Time is finite. It must be managed, planned, spent on the right things that are important to us. One day, we might find that we have less than we think.

7) When penguins are about to jump into the water that may have predators, which penguin jumps first? "Someone's got to be the first penguin".

8) "It's not about how to achieve your dreams. It's about how to lead your life". Many people talk about having dreams - and dreams are important. But first and foremost, we must lead our lives the right way, and things will fall into place.

Recommendation: Overall, it was an interesting book with some nuggets of wisdom. One thing I do not appreciate is that sometimes there was no 'so what' to the story written, so it was sometimes difficult to understand what Pausch was trying to teach us. The hook about this book is that Pausch was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer before giving this lecture, which didn't stop him from wanting to depart key takeaways. In fact, it made him want to give this lecture even more so. For a couple of hours, this book may be worth reading if you enjoy reading books with interesting concepts, and are keen to take away some nuggets of life. 

The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck - Mark Manson

An introspective book! The 'psychological epidemic' talks about how people are hung up over everything, including the little ones that don't really matter. I'm not a perfectionist, but sometimes I, too, struggle to understand what to prioritise, simply because I didn't think about what truly matters. Perhaps, in today's society, we easily see news articles and posts of success stories and so we tend to compare ourselves to others. Manson calls this "The Tyranny of Exceptionalism". Further, we are living in a society where we are perhaps too afraid of hurting others, which paint a false picture of reality, that it's normal to not get hurt. But it is.

Content: Manson split the key takeaways into different chapters to make it easier for readers to follow and digest. Some things he wrote about include constantly having to make decisions in life, and that people need to be less afraid of failing and just go for it, because failure is also part of the process. Otherwise, we'll just be stuck and not moving, which is probably worse than failing.

Estimated reading time needed: 3h

Key takeaways: 

1) Conventional life advice fixates on our shortcomings, what we lack, which reinforces our ideas that we're just not good enough. Manson gave the example 'no truly happy person feels the need to stand in front of a mirror and recite that she's happy. She just is'. 

2) "The key to a good life is giving a fuck about less, about only what is true and immediate and important". What is it that truly matters? For example, receiving a wrong order at dinner or spending time with the people around you? Choose your worries and problems, not fixate on all of them.

3) "The backwards law" as told by philosopher Alan Watts says that the more we want positives, the worse we will feel, whereas if we accept the negatives, we feel more positive. 

4) "To not give a fuck is to stare down at life's most terrifying and difficult challenges and still take action". The same can be said for not caring about pissing people off to do what you feel is right.

5) If too many trivial things bother you, you probably don't have more important things going on in your life.

6) Everybody wants good things in life, but many are not willing to suffer for it. Manson then asks an intriguing question: "What pain do you want in your life? What are you willing to struggle for?" The key lies in the process - learn to enjoy it.

7) Choose the right metric to base your life on, by understanding what really matters to you. If you want to change how you see your problems, change your values or metrics.

Recommendation: I really liked the storyline. Manson started off by saying we have to be honest with ourselves, dig deep to understand and find out what we want, and then cater our limited energy and time for them. I would have liked it better if he dove a bit deeper into the 'psychological epidemic' we face today, to expand more about the context of this book. But that's not the point of this book so that's okay. Overall, this book does provide fair, logical points that I think many people would probably need to hear (like being honest with ourselves), even if they don't like it. Manson says to think about this book as a 'guide to suffering and how to do it better, more meaningfully, with more compassion and more humility'. Good book to read in a short few hours!

Twenty-One Years Young: Essays by Amy Dong

Since I was young, I've never truly understood the essence of stories. Recently, I've gained an appreciation for stories and personal essay writing. "The hallmark of the personal essay is its intimacy - its ability to embrace and question all that makes us who and why we are without ever professing to find the answer" - Amy's takeaway from essayist Phillip Lopate. After reading Amy's book, I understand why.

Content: This book is really just a compilation of different essays that Amy wrote based on her own life experiences, from her reflections on going to NYU instead of Harvard, to getting robbed multiple times while travelling. It is truly incredible how Amy managed to invoke images and emotions through the words on the pages, by allowing glimpses of her thoughts and reflections as she grew up. Short essays, big impact and really fantastic learnings for everybody!

Estimated reading time needed: 3h

Key takeaways: 

1) With books, there are no forced conversations, expectations or unwanted transactions - you could take whatever you choose away from it. Personally, books are an escape from reality, because it takes me into another realm, into someone else's thoughts, through which I can learn and grow to become a better person. What do you do with books?

2) "Perfect days make for terrible stories, and vice versa". 

3) "What kind of dream forces you to leave behind your own family?" This reminds me of the book "Put your dream to the test" that I read a few months ago, written by John Maxwell. Maxwell stated that dreams come with sacrifices, but the one thing he kept emphasising on was the importance of his family. Not all family is perfect, however, but perhaps everyone has something/someone important to them.

4) "College has taught me that saying no is harder than saying yes, that books teach more than classes do, that travelling reminds me I am less important than I think I am". What does education mean to you? Is it about classroom learning, or something else like exploration and finding what you enjoy doing, creating the person you want to be?

5) There's a quote I saw somewhere, saying "if you want to understand yourself, write". Amy did this exceptionally well, and wrote about herself as she grew up, keeping a recollection of the person she was. Sometimes we are so focused on the people we want to be that we forget the people we used to be, and writing helps keep our past selves alive.

6) Today will always be the youngest day in the rest of your life. What would you do with it?

7) Do not be so focused on chasing what you want, that you lose what's truly important to you. 

8) "The most unexpected and difficult moments in life are the ones that shape it".

Recommendation: Needless to say, Amy's book was transformational, and it truly embedded the value of stories. What's even more impressive is the ability to convey the stories to others in a way that invokes feelings like happiness, guilt, love, and inspiration in others. Although I've been writing book reviews, I've been wanting to start writing stories of my own, and this book was what I needed. Interesting stories chuck full of learnings, I highly highly recommend anyone to read it! Amy wrote this when she was 21 a year ago, I'm extremely excited to see what other stories she will publish during her defining 20s.

The 360 Degree Leader - John C. Maxwell

Leaders are everywhere. They're people we look up to and who we aspire to be. This book talks about the importance of leaders, how leaders lead in every direction and bring value to the people around them. 

Content: Maxwell wrote about how leaders are important for any organisation, and how anybody can be a leader. The focus isn't about being a positional leader, leading the people under you. Rather, it is about how you can influence the people under, above and beside you - the true hallmark of a leader is influence. Would people follow you?

Estimated reading time needed: 10h

Key takeaways: 

1) Strive to be the top of your game, not the top of the organisation. People have this misconception that becoming the CEO, president or "top-dog" at the organisation is the essence of leadership. However, Maxwell recognises the importance of leadership from every position in the organisation, and people should focus on what they do best to bring the greatest value. 

2) If we focus on being somewhere else because we think it's better, we will neither enjoy where we are nor do what we must to succeed. As the saying goes, the grass is always greener on the other side. Rather than jumping to the other side, water your own side and flourish, because if you don't know how to water the greens on your end, the greens will fade even if you jump to the other side. Focus on where you are, do what you must, and succeed.

3) To be a leader, first lead yourself - if you wouldn't follow yourself, why would others? This is perhaps my favourite takeaway from this book. Whatever outcome you wish to achieve starts from within. Imagine the perfect leader. Now imagine you're the perfect leader. Be that person!

4) Value yourself and value your time. Time is the only thing we can never get back once it's spent. 

5) Do not get sucked into busyness without thinking. We need to stop here and there to take a step back, make sure we're on the right track, and prepare and plan for the future. 

6) As Zig Ziglar said, there are no jams on the extra mile. Many people get motivated to start working hard, but fall through because of a lack of discipline or commitment. Go the distance, do more than what is needed.

7) The key to personal development is to be more growth-oriented than goal-oriented. As someone who enjoys growth, I think this might be the key to sustainable development, as it allows us to go for goal after goal.

8) As Ben Franklin said, do not be afraid of moving too slowly. Be afraid of standing still. Sometimes when we stand still, we're actually going backwards. However, we do need to take a break here and there!

9) Focus on current responsibilities rather than the ones you wish to have. As Maxwell wrote, "I've never known someone focused on yesterday for a better tomorrow". 

Recommendation: This book is chock full of great information and key takeaways. One point to note is that Maxwell highlighted multiple times in the book to lift people up and you'll be recognised. However, I'm not sure if this entirely reflects the current state of organisations, and hoped that he would've addressed it in more detail. Nevertheless, it's still a great book on leadership, not just value-adding to the people around you, but leading yourself to becoming someone of value to yourself.  

Who Moved My Cheese - Dr Spencer Johnson

Change. A word that people either dread or look forward to. Most people probably know that change is necessary and constant. So how do people react to change?

Content: This short story is basically talking about 4 mice trapped in a maze and look for cheese to make them happy. This mirrors the nature of humans as well - when faced with uncertainty, people are afraid of what's "out there". Read this book to  learn more about how some mice successfully navigate change and how some didn't.

Estimated reading time needed: <1h

Key takeaways: 
1) When going through change and uncertainty, we should think about what we could gain and not what we were losing. Who knows, things might turn out for the better.

2) "What you're afraid of is never as bad as you imagine", which reminds me of the saying that nothing is as bad as it seems. 

3) Nothing gets better until we change - we are our own limits of change. We need to get out there, past our fears which could be irrational. 

4) Recognise that change happens whether we like it or not, so we should anticipate change, prepare for it, and adapt quickly.

Recommendation: As a change management consultant, I was amazed at how such a simple story (of mice chasing cheese) could reflect the interactions between people and their environment. The cheese could be anything we deem it to be - money, fame, career, relationships etc. We need to understand that change is inevitable. The kind of change that happens could be different  as well. For example, when we say we want our relationships to change, it doesn't mean we want to change the person - it could mean we want to change who we are in that relationship. Change comes from within. Which mice do you want to be? Less than an hour of reading for so many insights. Loved it, and do give it a read!

Atomic Habits - James Clear

Amazing. If I had to choose only 1 book to read for the summer, it would be this one. I've never read a book where I literally wanted to bookmark almost every page. 

Content: This book talks about habits - how we can start good habits and kick bad ones. For example, to build better habits, Clear talked about making it obvious so that we can remember to do it, making it attractive to make us want to do it, make it easy to lower the resistance/procrastination, and to make it satisfying so that we want to do it again. Conversely, by flipping it around, we find that it helps us to stop bad habits - by making them obscure, unattractive, difficult to do and unsatisfying.

Estimated reading time needed: 5h

Key takeaways: 
1) The power of compounding doesn't apply only to finance. It applies to everything we do. By repeating 1% errors day after day, making poor decisions, duplicating mistakes, rationalising excuses, it compounds into toxic results. On the other hand, if we improve 1% each day, we will get a significant increase when we put them together.

2) Progress is not linear. We may think that we should be getting better at what we do each day, and habits may seem to make no difference until we cross "a critical threshold and unlock a new level of performance". We will encounter many "Valley of Disappointments". However, progress is a long-term thing, and we should always "zoom out" to look at our progress and push on.

3) "Goals are good for setting direction, but systems are best for making progress". A peculiar statement Clear made was that winners and losers have the same goals. We need to change our system, our processes that can enable us to get to the results we want. We need to fix the inputs and the outputs will fix themselves. 

4) The 3 levels of change we need to unravel as we think about our habits. Once we've decided about the habits we want to build/stop, we need to change our outcomes - what do we want to achieve at the end of the day? Second, change our process - what in our daily lives should we change, or what am I doing that could better help me attain the goals I want? Third, change our identity - our beliefs, assumptions and biases. This is the core and possibly the hardest level. However, once we can achieve this, the habits we set out to do for reasons we have are now a part of us. To help visualise this, let's say you want to be good at playing the piano. You start to practice everyday (habit), tweak your methods of practising (process), and ultimately you start to become a pianist (identity). 

5) The costs of your good habits are paid now. But the costs of your bad habits are paid in the future.

6) This process is continuous. We never stop creating who we are - we never stop making decisions that shape our identity. There is no end and no permanent solution. 

Recommendation: Needless to say, I thoroughly enjoyed this book, and will definitely be reading it once a year as a reminder to making sure that my daily habits are true to my identity. Clear and concise - this book spares no extra words. If you truly want to change yourself, read this book and start changing yourself through small wins. A must-read for everybody!